How to Parent Great Kids with Dr. Meg Meeker
Parenting does not come with instructions, and too often, mothers find themselves overwhelmed by the pressures of perfectionism, leading to feelings of mom guilt. Dr. Meg Meeker, a practicing pediatrician and renowned parenting expert, joins Shelley Johnson and Kathy Tucaro to share valuable insights on how to navigate the challenges of raising children. She is the host of the podcast Parenting Great Kids. She is a practicing pediatrician and top parenting expert, speaker, and author of seven books including a bestselling book that became a movie called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. Dr. Meeker has appeared on The Today Show, Dateline NBC, Fox and Friends, NPR, Oprah and Friends, and many others. She emphasizes the importance of getting the basics right in parenting, offering guidance on avoiding pitfalls like helicopter parenting and pushing kids too hard. With a wealth of experience and common-sense advice, Dr. Meeker highlights the crucial role that parents play as role models and sources of support for their children. Tune in for practical tips on fostering healthy relationships with kids and empowering them for success in life.
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Transcript
This is Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
Speaker A:From the corporate office to the cab of a truck, they're here to inspire and empower women in all professions.
Speaker A:So gear down, sit back and enjoy.
Speaker A:Welcome.
Speaker A:We're an award winning show dinner dedicated to empowering women in every profession through inspiring stories and expert insights.
Speaker A:No topics off limits on our show.
Speaker A:We power women on the road to success with expert and celebrity interviews and information you need.
Speaker A:I'm Shelly.
Speaker B:And I'm Kathy.
Speaker A:Parental bonds are essential for children.
Speaker A:Kids need their parents for guidance and role models as they make their way into the adult world.
Speaker A:There's no instruction manual for parenting and there are many things that children need.
Speaker A:The problem is kids don't come with instructions.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meg Meeker is the host of the podcast Parenting Great Kids.
Speaker A:Last year she did an episode on mom guilt that's very prevalent today.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker is a practicing pediatrician and top parenting expert, speaker and author of seven books, including a best selling book that became a movie called Strong fathers, strong daughters.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker has appeared on the Today Show, Dateline NBC, Fox and Friends, NPR, Oprah and Friends, and many others.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker is here today to offer her insight on parenting and equipping kids for life in spite of the crazy world we have today.
Speaker A:Welcome, Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for being on the show with us.
Speaker B:Oh, thanks so much for inviting me.
Speaker B:I'm really looking forward to it.
Speaker A:Oh, are we?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Oh my gosh.
Speaker A:Your insights are going to be so valuable on how to have strong families with healthy parenting that empower parents and children alike.
Speaker A:I know you talk about the importance of fathers and their impact on kids.
Speaker A:We'd also love to talk about your insight on why fathers are just as important as mothers and how moms can get over their mom guilt.
Speaker A:You know, it seems like women have so much to do today with careers.
Speaker A:They can really suffer from that.
Speaker A:What can you share with our listeners to empower them as parents?
Speaker B:You know, one thing, I think that mom guilt is enormous.
Speaker B:As a matter of fact, I don't know that I've ever met a mother and I've been doing this about 35 years in my practice.
Speaker B:Who doesn't feel guilty about something, something that she did recently, something she did a long time ago?
Speaker B:I certainly have felt it.
Speaker B:And now as a grandmother, I will say there's grandmother guilt.
Speaker B:So we got to really face this and get over it.
Speaker B:But I think that we lack a lot of self confidence in our parenting and particularly now with so much information out there.
Speaker B:Younger parents, and I mean, you know, 40 and under read so much.
Speaker B:Their expectations for what they need to do for and with their kids is really beyond the pale.
Speaker B:There's no way mothers could be and perform the way they think they can because they've just got, got so much information they're reading out there.
Speaker B:And I will honestly say it's harder for younger mothers now than it was for me when I was raising my kids because I, I just didn't have as many expectations of myself.
Speaker B:And so I think a lot of the mom guilt comes from the fact that we expect ourselves to do things and be someone we just can't be.
Speaker B:And once we learn to let that go, then we can really sort of like who we are as mothers and feel confident in what we can do as mothers and quit beating ourselves up all the time.
Speaker A:You know, when you think about it, social media, all you see are these wonderful, idyllic pictures and everything's happy, happy, happy.
Speaker A:Nobody puts anything out there.
Speaker A:Now it's really going on in their lives.
Speaker A:It's easy to sit back and go, why is it not looking like that in my life?
Speaker A:You know, I, I think women, especially women, I think they're really, they judge themselves a lot.
Speaker B:Well, we absolutely do.
Speaker B:And I think that mothers in particular are very competitive people.
Speaker B:I'm a very competitive person by nature.
Speaker B:But I think that when it comes to being a mother, you want to at least be as good as the other mothers, you know, or your friends.
Speaker B:And so you look at what they're doing and you want to make sure that you're doing it and then you're doing a little bit more.
Speaker B:For instance, when our kids were younger, we live in northern Michigan, we get a lot of snow in the winter and our neighbors kids were skiing in a local ski club.
Speaker B:Now the skiing didn't.
Speaker B:It went from 6 o'clock at night till 8 o'clock at night.
Speaker B:And I was sitting there doing crafts with my kids.
Speaker B:They were.
Speaker B:I love crafts.
Speaker B:And anyway, I saw one car after another going past my house, taking their kids to ski team practice.
Speaker B:And I felt this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, like, what am I doing wrong?
Speaker B:Why, why are my kids not in ski practice?
Speaker B:You know, I'm just a bad mom.
Speaker B:I'm just here with my K kids sort of doing crafts.
Speaker B:What's wrong with me?
Speaker B:Well, nothing.
Speaker B:But there you go, you sort of feel this pressure by.
Speaker B:You put this pressure on yourself.
Speaker B:Like if somebody else is doing this with their kids, you, you need to do that too, or at least investigate it.
Speaker B:And I think it's hard for us to sort of admit that we're, we're competitive people.
Speaker B:But we got to stop it because you know, women are our friends and our, and, and other women who are parenting naked, their kids are our friends too.
Speaker B:We need to stop competing with them and trying to sort of outdo each other.
Speaker B:And we do it in really unconscious ways.
Speaker B:You know, if you think about, have you ever run into a.
Speaker B:Well, of course you have a girlfriend at the store and you haven't seen her in six months and you ask how her family is and she starts in on this litany of all these wonderful things that her kid is doing and what their grades are and this and you just sort of stare and you feel like a doofus, you know, like, why aren't my kids that way?
Speaker B:Oh sure.
Speaker B:And she's not trying to be mean, you know, she's just excited about her kids.
Speaker B:But that's our world.
Speaker B:And, and, and so it's, it's really hard.
Speaker B:And it's a world that if we aren't conscious of what's going on around us, we're going to start to feel pretty doggone awful about the job that we're doing.
Speaker A:Well, you know, I think too, I see kids going to all of these activities.
Speaker A:The neighbors next door, for instance, have their kids and all kinds of stuff.
Speaker A:It's non.
Speaker A:And they're both working parents.
Speaker A:That's exhausting.
Speaker A:I think that there's more pressure today to have kids involved in all of these activities.
Speaker A:And that's gotta be stressful for the children too frankly.
Speaker B:And expensive.
Speaker A:Oh yeah, super expensive.
Speaker B:Well, you know, one of the things I like to do as a pediatrician is I'm a child advocate.
Speaker B:And I learned many, many years ago by an old professor that if I really wanted to help kids, I had to help parents.
Speaker B:Because parents have the power in the kids lives.
Speaker B:And I think that, you know, that's one of the reasons that I help, you know, moms a lot and encourage moms a lot and dads.
Speaker B:But I can tell parents how their kids feel about things.
Speaker B:For instance, how does the 10 year old, 15 year old feel about leaving school, going to soccer practice, eating something in the car and then going off to choir practice or orchestra practice and then coming home at 8 o'clock at night and only having two or three hours for homework to get up at 6:30 next morning and start again.
Speaker B:Kids feel so much pressure to be good enough for their parents because kids, kids Feel that they, in order to get their parents attention and parents to pay attention, they have to keep doing these things.
Speaker B:And if they don't keep doing them, then their parents won't pay attention.
Speaker B:I had a patient who is an outstanding swimmer and she went through college swimming and you know, her parents would come to every single swim meet.
Speaker B:They travel all around the country.
Speaker B:Well, then in college she decided she didn't want to swim anymore.
Speaker B:And literally her communication with the parents just sort of stopped.
Speaker B:And she said, I don't know what to talk to my parents about.
Speaker B:They don't know what to talk to me about.
Speaker B:And so the activity was something that she perceived held them together.
Speaker B:That's not what we want in our relationships with our kids.
Speaker B:We don't want performance to bond us together because our kids feel in order to have a good relationship and relate to parents and get their parents attention and applause and affirmation, they need to perform.
Speaker B:And that's a, that's a really painful lesson.
Speaker A:It really is.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And then that takes them that attitude they carry into adulthood too.
Speaker B:Oh, yes, absolutely.
Speaker B:Because then they grew up and they go into the workplace and they feel the only way to get affirmation and attention and applause is to be hyper good at something.
Speaker B:Well, eventually that's going to catch up with you and you're going to crash.
Speaker B:And we've all known friends who've crashed.
Speaker B:I've crashed in my own life.
Speaker B:And it's no fun because you have to reset and in order to reset, you have to reevaluate, you know, what is your worth and where does it come from and what are you really good at and what are you bad at and does it really matter anyway?
Speaker B:Because in the end it kind of doesn't matter anyway.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So it can be pretty jolting.
Speaker A:So when did it get so crazy where everything's such a frenzy and the children are involved with all of these activities and they're all of these pressures on them.
Speaker A:I don't think that was done like 40 years ago.
Speaker B:No, no.
Speaker B:Well, here's my theory.
Speaker B: an all women's College in the: Speaker B:Loved it.
Speaker B:I was very career driven.
Speaker B:Time I was 16, I said, I'm going to medical school.
Speaker B:That's it, no plan B.
Speaker B:And so I charged through high school and college and medical school.
Speaker B:And during that period, the mindset was I was one of 30 women in our class of 90 something in medical school.
Speaker B:So it was very male dominated.
Speaker B:And the sense was we need to be not just as good as the men, we need to be better.
Speaker B:Okay, so we did that and that's good.
Speaker B:We had fun careers, we enjoyed it.
Speaker B:But then we upped the ante.
Speaker B:And I think women did.
Speaker B:We did this to ourselves.
Speaker B:I, I think we did this to one another.
Speaker B:I could be wrong, but this is what I saw.
Speaker B:Then we said, okay, we're not only great at our careers now, we can be great full time moms and great career women.
Speaker B:And not only that, we can start.
Speaker B:Do you remember the slogan, bring home the best bacon and fry it up in a pan?
Speaker A:Yeah, I remember my parents saying, bringing.
Speaker B:Home the bacon, it's a little, it's a little goofy.
Speaker B:But it basically meant you're expected to be everything, you can do it all.
Speaker B:But then we upped the ante even more and said, guess what?
Speaker B:We can do it all alone.
Speaker B:And we don't need any help.
Speaker B:We don't necessarily need our friends.
Speaker B:We are far away from parents and any support group, any supportive family, you know, and if we're divorced, that's okay.
Speaker B:We can still kind of go it alone.
Speaker B:And I think we just set ourselves up to have such high expectations.
Speaker B:And then we started thinking, well, with, with our kids in order to sort of compensate for the sense that we had to perform really, really well.
Speaker B:That's when it spilled onto our kids.
Speaker B:And I think we said, okay, you know, I'm a high performer, I expect you to be a high performer.
Speaker B:And again, a lot of this was subconscious.
Speaker B:And it's really not okay for you to come home after school three days a week and be bored.
Speaker B:That's just not what high performers learn how to do.
Speaker B:And so I think, you know, I guess a lot of is I'm sort of speaking from myself as a mom and ex.
Speaker B:You know, my kids are grown now, but just sort of my mindset then.
Speaker B:And so I think a lot of it was putting pressure on ourselves and our peers.
Speaker B:And again, I think it comes down to that competitiveness that, you know, if your kid is just doing one thing, my kid's going to go do two things after school.
Speaker B:And we just sort of whipped it into a little bit of a frenzy.
Speaker B:And so now it's the acceptance.
Speaker B:The norm for us as a great parent is that your kids do a lot of things and have great friends and they can perform really well.
Speaker B:And if they're not doing well in school, even in fourth grade, you're going to get them a tutor.
Speaker B:And I think it's very prevalent in the bigger cities.
Speaker B:From what I've experienced Going to New York, Chicago and la, pressure is very, very intense.
Speaker B:That's my theory as a pediatrician.
Speaker A:Are you seeing more anxiety with children with all of this?
Speaker B:Oh, unquestionably, unquestionably.
Speaker B:Not just the, the amount of anxiety, the intensity, intensity of anxiety.
Speaker B:And younger kids with anxiety, you know, seven, eight, nine year olds with anxiety.
Speaker B:And of course, a lot of it, you know, increased after Covid.
Speaker B:But I do think a lot of it is kids just feel a lot of pressure to be and to do more and that they're not measuring up.
Speaker B:And I think it's.
Speaker B:Those messages are just insidious all around them.
Speaker B:They come from all different places.
Speaker B:Teachers and friends and schools and church and, you know, all certain places kids don't rest.
Speaker B:They don't, you know, sit home and play Legos very long.
Speaker B:You know, they, they, they don't have much quiet in their lives.
Speaker B:And I think they need that.
Speaker B:They have to have that.
Speaker B:They have to have that.
Speaker B:But I think sometimes, and I'm not just pinning this all on parents, I'm trying to, you know, think it all through.
Speaker B:We're uncomfortable with our kids sort of being quiet and just doing not much of anything.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:But kids learn.
Speaker B:They don't learn how to entertain themselves and just read or as I said, play games or do crafts or something like that because they're stimulated visually and from an auditory standpoint, pretty much all day long, and it's too hard for their brains.
Speaker A:You know, I've thought that the constant stimulation, the external stimulation, rather than being able to learn to entertain yourself as a child, I did have that quiet time, and I lived in the country, so I had to learn to entertain myself.
Speaker A:And what that did was bring out my creativity.
Speaker A:I read a lot of books.
Speaker A:I became very interested in writing my own stories at a very early age.
Speaker A:I don't think I would have done that had I not had that alone time and to be able to just kick back and get to know myself.
Speaker B:Right, yeah, for sure.
Speaker B:And I, and I think I'm the kind of person, and I agree with you, I grew up, you know, having to do chores.
Speaker B:We lived on a farm and I.
Speaker B:And I did chores outside, which at the time I hated.
Speaker B:But now I wish I had more chores to do because I like big equipment again, or any kind of equipment.
Speaker B:But I think there's so much value in allowing kids to be in quiet, to take, you know, social media and phones and iPads and music away from them, so that the level of stimulation just goes down and down and down so that they can really find quiet in their day.
Speaker B:And I think that kids have a harder time with that often than parents do because we know how to train ourselves to pull back and to go off and to do yoga, whatever we're going to do.
Speaker B:But kids don't really know how to do that.
Speaker B:And it's almost like they become addicted to stimulation, addicted to someone telling them what to do and how to do it and, and what to listen to and what games to play.
Speaker B:And I think it, it's just, it overcharges their, their brains and they don't.
Speaker A:Know how to communicate.
Speaker A:I mean, they're, they're, they're doing everything on their device.
Speaker A:I mean, you look at teenagers, they're texting each other, they can be sitting at the same table, they're not talking.
Speaker A:As a matter of fact, if you want to scare a teenager, talk to them.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or go up behind them and give them a big old hug.
Speaker B:They'll turn around and take you.
Speaker B:You're absolutely right.
Speaker B:And I think that.
Speaker B:But, but let's be honest, as busy working mothers, there's something that feels kind of good about the kid being on their device because we've got stuff to do and we want to make sure our child's entertained.
Speaker B:And I get it, you know, it's kind of like back in the old days putting on Sesame street to your three year old.
Speaker B:You felt guilty, but, but it was kind of nice too.
Speaker B:And I think that, you know, there's that, you know, there's that love, hate relationship with devices as moms with their kids.
Speaker B:And I think that we have to be very careful too because, you know, the only way for kids to be removed from the stimulation is for parents to say, give me the iPad, give me your cell phone, give me whatever.
Speaker B:And I will tell you, because I took care of kids before, you know, cell phones and teenagers will tell me, girls in particular, that after they've been on social media for X amount of time, they get off it and just feel kind of, and, and we do know that the amount of time a girl spends on social media is direct.
Speaker B:It parallels beautifully depression in her life because it just makes them feel so badly about themselves.
Speaker B:And that's just messages, not just stimulation.
Speaker B:And so a lot goes on in the mind of a teenager and a young kid that we don't even see when they're on a screen, regardless what they're doing on the screen.
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Speaker A:Mom guilt is all too common.
Speaker A:Too many people lack self confidence in their parenting.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meg Meeker says young parents today face unreasonable expectations and there's no way mothers can be and perform based on everything they're reading or seeing.
Speaker A:Mob guilt comes from a place of wanting to be someone we just can't be and we need to stop beating ourselves up over it.
Speaker A:Quite often we feel we need to compete with other women and what other families are doing and the guilt just rises.
Speaker A:Women also have set themselves up to have unrealistically high standards and to do way too much.
Speaker A:This high performing agenda spills onto our children.
Speaker A:Often.
Speaker A:We put our kids in extracurricular activities that become the central focus and put pressure on children to perform.
Speaker A:They think the only way to get attention and affirmation and applause is to be hyper good at something.
Speaker A:According to Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker, that should not be the expectation.
Speaker A:Children also need to have the ability to have quiet time to get to know themselves.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker's talking about all of these things with us.
Speaker A:She's a practicing pediatrician and the host of the podcast Parenting Great Kids.
Speaker A:She's a top parenting expert, speaker and author of seven books, including a best selling book that became a movie called Strong fathers, strong daughters.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker's common sense advice for parenting in today's world is golden.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker.
Speaker A:In our last segment, we talked about kids and teens on cell phones and how they're consumed by them and often just need a break.
Speaker A:You know, I would have been a menace if there'd been cell phones, the smartphones when I was growing up, you know, and I would have been on it all the time, you know, because it would have been fun and I would have been exploring and.
Speaker A:Oh yeah, but when I think you.
Speaker B:Were sent outside, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, I mean, play outside, go find something to do.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:When the weather was nice, go outside, you know, and I didn't want to hang out in the house.
Speaker A:I mean, who wants to hang out with adults?
Speaker A:They're boring.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker B:You wanted to go find stuff to do.
Speaker B:And I, I do worry about kids creativity and imagination because it's never called upon and everything is, is written out and spelled out for them.
Speaker B:And I think, you know, is good to learn.
Speaker B:You know, I don't know that kids as frequently have imaginary friends now as much as they used to.
Speaker B:But it was not uncommon for a 5, 6 or 7 year old kid to have an imaginary friend around the house that they would play with and they do things with.
Speaker B:And we always thought there were something psychiatrically wrong.
Speaker B:No, it was very healthy.
Speaker B:They were creating a life in their mind.
Speaker B:And when you read books, you create what the characters look like and how they dress, but you see it on tv and that's why people don't like to watch the movie as much as read the book, because it doesn't stimulate the imagination and creativity.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:And so, you know, I think as parents we have to remember that and we have to discipline ourselves to pull back sometimes.
Speaker B:And I encourage parents to, you know, go on a screen diet or at least regulate the amount of hours that everybody in the home is on a screen because the truth is, it makes us feel better too.
Speaker B:I, I don't, I'm sure you've done it where you go on YouTube and you want to listen to a debate or you want to hear some wonderful music, and all of a sudden you're looking up the price of carpet.
Speaker B:I mean, and I spent 20 minutes looking at carpet and I thought, what a waste of time.
Speaker B:I don't even need carpet.
Speaker B:But I was, you know, it's just ridiculous.
Speaker B:And so it is.
Speaker B:It's just addictive.
Speaker B:And, and I admit it, you know.
Speaker A:That'S something that I've thought about.
Speaker A:And I would love to ask you how these electronic devices are actually stifling the imagination, which is so necessary.
Speaker A:The imagination we have as children gives us the tools that we need to become the engineers, the designers, the artists, the musicians.
Speaker A:And if you don't have that ability, if you can't hone that because you've got outside stimulation doing it for you, I would think that would really create a problem.
Speaker B:Well, it does.
Speaker B:It doesn't teach kids how to solve problems, how to say, okay, this is a problem here and I need to get through it and come out on the other side, whether it's doing a math problem, whether it's a relationship problem, whether it's a school problem, anything.
Speaker B:Because the answer's always in front of you.
Speaker B:And so you lose that stimulation of thinking critically.
Speaker B:And we don't teach our kids to think critically and to, to think deeply and to discuss deeply and to wonder and to ask questions and to, you know, even just simple questions, you know, where the stars come from, how many stars are there?
Speaker B:You know, why should I even, how do I even know it's a star?
Speaker B:But just to think and have those conversations.
Speaker B:And it's really important to remember too, from the time a child is about, you know, one to really in their early 20s, they're undergoing tremendous brain development and rapid brain development of different areas of the brain.
Speaker B:And so we can hardwire that brain, even the development, if kids get stuck in one thing too long.
Speaker B:In other words, because your, your body, your brain is always sort of trimming up synapses in the neurons.
Speaker B:And so the ones that aren't used, it's like, it's like branches of a tree.
Speaker B:If, if one branch doesn't, you know, isn't producing leaves, it gets cut off.
Speaker B:So if one branch is not being used, say your creativity, your imagination, it gets cut off.
Speaker B:And, and then the other ones that are more focused on receiving information and watching and listening, those get stronger.
Speaker B:So in a way, we're really hardwiring our kids brains to be engaged in receiving information and disengaged from thinking critically and solving problems.
Speaker B:And we do know because there's a lot out there now and the amount of time on, you know, videos or screens, you know, social media, whatever, about its effect on brains and brain development.
Speaker B:So, you know, and I think it happens on a lot of different levels that we're not aware of, but we know that at least on the basic levels of brain development, it does have a profound effect.
Speaker A:So parents should have their kids and they too should unplug.
Speaker B:Oh, yes, yes.
Speaker B:And that's one of the hardest things.
Speaker B:Believe it or not, I have found this to be true, and I think the research bears it out.
Speaker B:But don't quote me.
Speaker B:Kids have a harder time with their parents on devices than parents do with their kids.
Speaker B:In other words, it bothers kids more when their parents are on a device than for a parent when a kid is on device.
Speaker B:And it makes sense because a child needs a parent.
Speaker B:A parent doesn't need a kid.
Speaker B:So if you're sitting in your kitchen and you're in kindergarten and you're coloring a picture and dad is texting somebody, mom is texting somebody on the phone and you're trying to say something and they go, mm, yeah, mm.
Speaker B:But, you know, they're not paying attention.
Speaker B:It makes the child feel invisible and it makes them feel.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's really not important that I'm here now.
Speaker B:We're all gonna do that at some point.
Speaker B:But it's the repeat, the repetition of that that really impacts how kids feel about themselves, their relationship, their parents.
Speaker B:Now, you could be talking to your child and your child is on their device going, mm, yep.
Speaker B:It doesn't affect your self esteem, but it does for a child because they do feel invisible.
Speaker B:And they need to know that you're aware of their presence.
Speaker B:You like their presence, and they're important to you.
Speaker A:That's something we need growing up.
Speaker A:Because that's absolutely.
Speaker B:I didn't get that.
Speaker B:I didn't get that at all.
Speaker B:And it was just like the harshest thing, the feeling of neglect and not being wanted or loved or get out of my way or everything you say is stupid, so shut your mouth.
Speaker B:Like, you know these things.
Speaker B:So it just.
Speaker B:Yeah, it was very, very traumatic.
Speaker B:And it took me years to get over that.
Speaker B:You know, it is.
Speaker B:And I think that I really appreciate you saying that because, you know, a lot of parents go, well, I'm really not ignoring my child.
Speaker B:I'm in the same room, but I'm on my phone.
Speaker B:You are ignoring your child.
Speaker B:And maybe it feels menial to you, but it's impacting that child on some level.
Speaker B:And then of course, you take that to a further extreme where you're mean to your child or you're abandoning your child or your child's invisible.
Speaker B:It does.
Speaker B:It takes years to get over because it sort of pierces you at your very soul.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And we've got to be very careful with that as parents because we are playing with matches.
Speaker B:Maybe not full on fire, but we are playing with matches.
Speaker B:When we do this with our kids.
Speaker A:Too frequently, there's so many things that parents need to think about.
Speaker A:You know, our children are not robots.
Speaker A:They.
Speaker A:They learn by what we're doing.
Speaker A:And the interactions every single day is a learning experience that's going to carry that child into adulthood and impact how they feel about themselves and how they interact with the world and ultimately how they raise children and the kind of success that they have.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:What is healthy parenting?
Speaker A:Is, Is there such a thing?
Speaker B:There is.
Speaker B:I, I think that.
Speaker B:Yes, I think that a healthy parent is someone.
Speaker B:Well, in order to.
Speaker B:How can I rephrase this?
Speaker B:Kids need very little, but they need you to get the big stuff.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They don't need all the bells and the whistles, and they don't always need to be in this sport or this sport.
Speaker B:This sport.
Speaker B:They need to know their parents are.
Speaker B:They need to feel affection from their parents because when a parent touches them and gives them healthy affection, it makes them feel that they're valuable, that they're loved, that they're liked, that they're seen, that they're important when they're in the room and they need to be accepted.
Speaker B:If kids.
Speaker B:There's so many things that we say to our kids inadvertently or a tone of voice we use with our kids.
Speaker B:It's like, that's not okay.
Speaker B:And that's not okay, and you're not okay.
Speaker B:Well, you say that enough to a child and they feel, you know, really unimportant.
Speaker B:And I think that an affirmation, I mean, we, we need to let them know that they can.
Speaker B:You know, we don't want to go overboard and tell our, you know, five foot two daughter that she can play, you know, Olympic basketball.
Speaker B:But, but just to affirm their character and that they are strong and that they can weather things and bad things do happen to them, but they can get through it.
Speaker B:School and for instance, and, and those, I mean, those sound very broad and general, but those are the things that really, really matter to kids.
Speaker B:And to give them that attention, you know, simple things like Looking them in the face when you talk to them, look them in the eyes.
Speaker B:You know, if they're up in their room, you know, doing something, open the door and peek in and say, hey, how are you?
Speaker B:I haven't seen you in four days.
Speaker B:I just want to know how, how life is and how you're doing, you know, and if they don't want you there, they'll tell you.
Speaker B:But more often than not, kids will like the fact that you really want to pay attention to them.
Speaker B:And so just those few things, that's where healthy parenting begins.
Speaker B:And you know, and expand on those things are where parenting gets really good.
Speaker B:And that's how you raise really solid kids.
Speaker A:Adults, it makes sense.
Speaker A:Well, they feel that they are worthy.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And they don't grow up with the thought that they're not.
Speaker A:Because let's face it, when we get out in the real world, there are people out there that are going to tell us we're not good enough.
Speaker B:Oh yeah.
Speaker B:Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:And then we start telling ourselves that.
Speaker B:Because if you hear it enough, that's who you are.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker B:And then you go down to the world and your colleagues and your peers are sort of communicating that to you, you know, you might as well dive into a hole.
Speaker B:And it's very, very sad because I think mothers in general have a lot of self doubt when it comes to parenting and doing a good job.
Speaker B:I think, you know, we just.
Speaker B:I, I know I did.
Speaker B:And even now as a grandparent, I'm constantly questioning what I'm doing and what I'm saying to my grandkids and is it good enough?
Speaker B:Is it the wrong thing, the right thing?
Speaker B:And I think, you know, why do you worry about it so much?
Speaker B:My kids are grown and they're okay, so hopefully my grandkids will be too with my interaction.
Speaker B:But I think self doubt is really pervasive.
Speaker A:Oh yes.
Speaker A:Well.
Speaker A:And social media has not made it better.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:Because it's really, for many people, it's a show off zone.
Speaker B:You know, it's our way of saying, you know, here I am and look at me and aren't I great?
Speaker B:You know, and I've laughed sometimes because I'll run into somebody's store someplace and they'll look at me and go, you know, do I know you?
Speaker B:Huh?
Speaker B:And, and that what they see is very different from what they see on my website, which is a professional picture where my hair and makeup are done, but I don't really look like that in real life.
Speaker B:And that's why people don't recognize me, it's like, you know, why?
Speaker B:Well, that's business.
Speaker B:But why?
Speaker B:We always put our, our best foot forward.
Speaker B:And you know, we can say, well, in our professional lives we kind of need to do that.
Speaker B:Well, but, but in our personal lives, it should be a whole different thing.
Speaker B:But we do.
Speaker B:We, we end up sort of wanting to show our friends that how great our trip to Tahiti was or how much fun we had, you know, with our child, who's a straight A student going off to Stanford.
Speaker B:Isn't that wonderful?
Speaker B:And I don't know how you all feel about Christmas cards, but Christmas cards can be kind of demoralizing too.
Speaker B:When you get them from friends and they give you this long litany of all the wonderful things their kids are doing.
Speaker B:It's kind of like social media.
Speaker B:You know, people saying, here I am and here are the great things that I am and my family are doing.
Speaker B:But really what it does is it bolsters them.
Speaker B:But the receiver feels terrible about themselves when they're reading it.
Speaker B:So social media really is designed to show off the person who's posting, not to make the readers feel good.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Because if you want to make the readers feel good, you'd post something very different than you're posting.
Speaker B:I actually got off personal Facebook and I'm, you know, a middle aged woman.
Speaker B:But it was, it made me feel kind of bad because I saw my friends traveling here and traveling there.
Speaker B:I'm like, I don't do that.
Speaker B:My husband isn't very thoughtful.
Speaker B:Why doesn't he ever say to me, let's go on a cruise, like her husband did?
Speaker B:And I'm like, stop, stop, stop.
Speaker B:This is, this is hurting my marriage.
Speaker B:I'm going to shut down my Facebook page.
Speaker B:And I thought, if, if this is the way you feel as, as in a middle aged woman, how, how much, how much worse are you going to feel if you're a 14 year old girl, has no clue who she is or what she's supposed to be or what she wants can be devastating.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And especially at that age, you want to be like your friends, you want to be normal, you want to be like everybody else.
Speaker A:Because if you're different, that's a bad thing, you know?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker A:And at that age too, I mean, adolescence is a rough time.
Speaker A:You have no idea who you are.
Speaker A:You're trying to figure it out.
Speaker A:And then of course, your body's changing and when you're a female, you're going through all these gross changes.
Speaker A:It's like, what is going On.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, well, and it is painful and I think, you know, for girls and for boys because there's hormonal shifts, there's emotional swings.
Speaker B:You know, one time you're talking to your 13 year old daughter and she's loving and sweet and kind and then she goes upstairs, comes back down and is spitting nails at you because.
Speaker B:And you think what, what did I do wrong?
Speaker B:Well, you didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker B:That's how they are.
Speaker B:They're uncomfortable in their bodies and they're mean to parents.
Speaker B:Not because they dislike their parents, but because they're so uncomfortable about themselves.
Speaker B:They're too tall, too skinny, too fat, too short, too pimply, too stupid, too smart, whatever.
Speaker B:And they're just trying to get their footing and they're trying to feel sort of okay about themselves, about life.
Speaker B:But of course that's going to come, come a long way down the road and unfortunately a lot of parents take them personally and, and they believe, oh no, now my kid really hates me and my daughter won't this, I said just settle down.
Speaker B:You know, your daughter just is not herself.
Speaker B:So kind of ride it out.
Speaker B:But you, you take a confused teenager, young, young teen, prepubertal and then they're going through all those changes and then they're getting hit with a lot of messages on social media and then they don't have enough time to sort of sit and just be and talk and be loved and communicate with somebody who loves them in a healthy way.
Speaker B:And it could be disaster for a lot of them.
Speaker A:Oh yes, yes it can.
Speaker A:Well, they're still children.
Speaker A:They don't process things the way adults do.
Speaker A:They don't have the life experience.
Speaker A:First of all, you know, to them being 20 years is, is like a hundred based on their own perspectives.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And of course part of being a teenager you figure your parents know nothing.
Speaker A:Of course, you know, I know at 18 I thought I knew everything and though he advised I really didn't.
Speaker A:But in my parents, my parents got smarter as I got older, you know.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then, and then it's hard as, as a parent you hit that point with your kids where they look at you and think you're really dumb and, and you don't know anything about anything and they challenge you and even I just have to laugh.
Speaker B:I think my son in law, my kids are adults but sort of fairly young adults said something to me about a medical thing that I didn't know what I was talking about.
Speaker B:He's in so many words he said that and looked at him like, are you kidding me?
Speaker B:You know, you're, you're, you have that much hubris that, that you're telling me who's practiced medicine for all these years that I don't know what I'm talking about.
Speaker B:And it wasn't a slight on me.
Speaker B:It was, it was a very adolescent mindset.
Speaker B:I need to feel that.
Speaker B:I, I know a lot here, so let me have that.
Speaker B:And I'm like, well, I might let it go this time, but don't do that again.
Speaker B:But you know, you're absolutely right.
Speaker B:It's part of that developmental process that they need to think very different from, very differently from you and talk differently from you to let themselves know they are a fully separate human being.
Speaker B:And this is really important for men or boys and their moms because if you're 18 and still depending on your mother for a lot of different things, it can feel creepy.
Speaker B:And so you have to separate for a while and then you come back and your relationship is, is, is quite strong.
Speaker B:But there are all these weird things that our kids bring us through that can, are, are really tough, tough on our self esteem as a mom and a parent.
Speaker B:Again, we're always questioning whether we're doing it right or not.
Speaker B:In many ways, just like our kids question whether they're doing it right.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:Stay tuned for more of Women Road warriors coming up.
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Speaker A:Learn more@truckingmovesamerica.com welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
Speaker A:As parents, we need to help our kids unplug from electronic devices so they can stimulate their own imaginations.
Speaker A:That means we should unplug too.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meg Meeker says parents today don't teach their kids to think deeply and critically.
Speaker A:That means getting off of all devices.
Speaker A:According to Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker, from the time a child is one to 20, they undergo rapid brain development.
Speaker A:We can actually hardwire their brain if we allow them to get stuck in one thing too long, which is what devices do.
Speaker A:That cuts off development for different portions of the brain.
Speaker A:That's why smart devices, social media and video games can hamper a child's development.
Speaker A:Parents need to take time away from their own devices too, so their fully engaged with their children.
Speaker A:To stay glued to a smartphone makes our kids feel invisible and negatively impacts their self esteem.
Speaker A:As parents, we need to stop that.
Speaker A:Kids need a parent's attention and healthy affection.
Speaker A:We need to affirm their character and their worth.
Speaker A:These are just some of the ways that healthy parenting begins and how parents can really raise solid kids.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker has all kinds of great insight like this for parents.
Speaker A:She's a practicing pediatrician and the host of the podcast Parenting Great Kids.
Speaker A:She's a top parenting expert, speaker and author of seven books, including a best selling book that became a movie called Strong fathers, strong daughters.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker has the sage and wisdom to help parents know when they're doing too much or not enough.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker, there are some people who helicopter parent.
Speaker A:I've heard of people in their 20s who are still living with their folks and their mother is doing their laundry, making their bed, doing all of that.
Speaker A:And I'm like really?
Speaker A:You know, I was in an apartment by the time I was 19, nobody made my bed.
Speaker B:And, and aren't you glad, you know, because that's how you learn self sufficiency and that's, that's how you learn who you are and what you're capable of and what you're good at and what you're not good at.
Speaker B:And I think a lot of it stems from the fact that we really believe as mothers that if our kids struggle or if they fall down or they go to work in dirty clothes, that we have failed.
Speaker B:And we've got to get over that.
Speaker B:You know, we've got to get to the point where we say to our kids, you know what, not doing your laundry, not cooking your meals.
Speaker B:If you pray for, if you go for weeks without a meal, you're going to lose weight.
Speaker B:That's the way it is.
Speaker B:Or yeah, it's on you.
Speaker B:You know, you go, you go to work dirty and you're, you're, I'll Never forget my husband.
Speaker B:I was in the hospital, we weren't married or anything.
Speaker B:And he would own.
Speaker B:That's when you wear shirts and ties.
Speaker B:And he would go to go to work in wrinkly shirts all the time.
Speaker B:And somebody in the hospital said, you better iron those shirts before you come here.
Speaker B:And he didn't know how to iron.
Speaker B:I said, well, you know, figure it out.
Speaker B:And he went home and ironed just the front of his shirt, assuming people only saw the front of him.
Speaker B:But you know, we.
Speaker B:That's funny.
Speaker B:Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous.
Speaker B:And you know, he cut his own hair because he was cheap and his mother, his parents just let him have at it and it was so good because he just sort of figured things out.
Speaker B:And kids have to do that.
Speaker B:They have to feel foolish at times and they have to, you know, go without some meals and they have to figure out how to pay their rent and if, and if they're, and if their landlord comes and threatens to evict them, they've got to figure out how to resolve that problem.
Speaker B:And if you don't do that for a young adult man or woman, you cripple them.
Speaker B:And that's what helicoptering parents do.
Speaker B:But helicoptering parents do it out of their own need.
Speaker B:I believe what that meant.
Speaker B:I've never heard that term before.
Speaker B:Helicoptering.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, there's lawnmower parents.
Speaker A:What's that?
Speaker A:What's a lawnmower?
Speaker B:Worse than the helicopter parents.
Speaker B:They get.
Speaker B:They get down lower.
Speaker B:They get down lower and you know, it's really just the hyper controlling parents who just don't want anything hurtful or in any way, shape or form to happen to, you know, Susie or Bobby.
Speaker B:They just can't handle that.
Speaker B:But I think one of the reasons they can't handle it is they feel that they might have failed as a parent.
Speaker B:And I think on the flip side, a lot of the signing our kids up for a million things is really all about the parents too.
Speaker B:Because if our kids do really well and we can tell people about it, we feel like a really good parent.
Speaker B:But if your kid fails algebra or your kid gets evicted from his apartment, you don't want to tell anybody because you feel like a bad parent.
Speaker B:And so, so we'll go to all these great lengths to protect our children so that they, that we're not embarrassed.
Speaker B:And they're not embarrassed because then they're.
Speaker A:Not a bad reflection.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:I don't want to be the mother of the 20 year old who goes to work in an unironed shirt and cuts his own hair.
Speaker B:But my, but my mother in law let my husband do it.
Speaker B:Not he was a grown up, but if she lived near him, she could have said, no, no, no, no.
Speaker B:You have trouble, you know, going to a barber, you know, here's 20 bucks, go get your hair cut.
Speaker B:But she didn't.
Speaker B:She just let him.
Speaker B:And it was, it was a, it's, it was, it was great.
Speaker A:So do you think part of that too is because parents don't want to see their kids grow up?
Speaker A:It's an empty nest syndrome?
Speaker B:Yeah, I think that we want to feel needed because if we feel needed, then we feel fulfilled.
Speaker B:And I think a lot of times, you know, we buy into this sense that we can be excellent parents, we can provide for our kids, we give them these opportunities.
Speaker B:They're very dependent on us to be successful in life.
Speaker B:And if we let go of that and they're on their own, they don't need us.
Speaker B:And then who are we?
Speaker B:And when we need to deal with that, you know?
Speaker B:And I think that for women, it's harder than for men because we have to change.
Speaker B:We wear a lot of different hats, more hats, I think, than men do.
Speaker B:We go through so many transitions in our lives from our kids, you know, going all.
Speaker B:Going off to first grade and then to junior high and then to high school and then they leave for college.
Speaker B:And we're in all of that.
Speaker B:And so we, we grieve it a lot along the way.
Speaker B:And men don't necessarily, because they're just doing a few things.
Speaker B:And so I think it's harder for mothers who tend to be more emotionally in tune to their kids as well.
Speaker B:And we want our kids to always want to come to us and ask advice.
Speaker B:We want our kids to know that we will be able to comfort them at all times and give them something that nobody else can give them.
Speaker B:And if we give that up and we let them go out on their own, it cracks us.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I know I felt cracked.
Speaker B:And I remember my son who was our baby, he was 18 years old and he looked down at me one day and he got very angry.
Speaker B:He says, mom, stop talking to me like there's always something wrong with me.
Speaker B:And I was stunned.
Speaker B:And he was, he was right.
Speaker B:I was treating him like I was always looking to see if there was a problem that he needed help with to be fixed.
Speaker B:He picked right up on that.
Speaker B:Like, why do you always think there's something wrong with me that I need you help me fix?
Speaker B:And I thought, man, and I backed Right off and let go.
Speaker B:And that was a huge turning point in our relationship and we have a great relationship now.
Speaker B:But that, that hurt.
Speaker B:It hurt a lot.
Speaker B:But I think we do that because we want to live with a sense that our, our kids need us there to fix something for them and they don't.
Speaker A:Communication so important.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And listening to the child.
Speaker A:A lot of times parents don't do that.
Speaker A:Dr.
Speaker A:Meeker, your, your insight is amazing.
Speaker A:Tangible, common sense observations that are really helpful to parents.
Speaker A:Both, both the mothers and I would love to talk about more things here, but we have limited time.
Speaker A:Where do people find your books?
Speaker A:Where do they find your podcast and can they reach out to you?
Speaker B:Of course.
Speaker B:My website's MeakerParenting.com and they can find anything they want.
Speaker B:Their, you know, books and coaching and, and that kind of a thing.
Speaker B:But it's meeker parenting.com so you do.
Speaker A:Coaching with people remotely?
Speaker B:I do.
Speaker B:And I tell you, yeah, I've written a number of books and I've flown all around the country giving lectures and da da da da da.
Speaker B:And I said what I really love to do is this, what we're doing here.
Speaker B:I love to just talk to parents who want to understand their kids better.
Speaker B:And I do it a lot with fathers because they have so many questions and they're afraid to go to somebody and ask.
Speaker B:And I always thought, you know, if, if my husband had somebody other than me in his life to tell him how to be a better dad, it would have helped me so much because he never listened to me when I told him to do things.
Speaker B:And so I do a lot of that because, you know, but my job basically with all parents is just to understand what their kids are thinking, what they need, what they want, what they're feeling from their parents.
Speaker B:Because I think once parents understand the real power they have in their kids lives, they will start changing their behavior.
Speaker B:Because I think a lot of parents who behave badly to their kids, even if they think it's not bad, really wound their kids.
Speaker B:But the flip side is if you speak kindly and you're good to your kids and you kind of like I talked about earlier, get the basics right, your kids will be great.
Speaker B:So I don't, I try to just encourage parents about how much power they have in their kids lives by letting them see inside their kids.
Speaker B:And that's what my coaching is about.
Speaker A:I love this.
Speaker A:What is your website again?
Speaker B:Meeker parenting meekerparenting.com okay, common sense.
Speaker B:I mean, common sense.
Speaker A:You really put this in, in a way that everyone can understand and really grasp rather than a lot of the stuff that people are probably reaching out for and hearing and seeing and reading.
Speaker A:This just makes sense.
Speaker B:It does make sense.
Speaker B:And it's not rocket science.
Speaker B:You know, being a great parent is simple, but it's hard because doing the simplest things are really, really hard.
Speaker B:And so many times we, we focus on the, all the other stuff that really our kids don't need because it's really hard to do the big stuff, like, you know, talk to your kids the right way and in a certain manner and not pretend like there's something wrong with them all the time.
Speaker B:But anyway.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:So that's, that's just what I love to do.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for being on the Stinker.
Speaker B:You're welcome.
Speaker A:This has been pleasure.
Speaker A:This has been tremendous.
Speaker A:I know our listeners are going to just love this and, and I hope they reach out to you.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:We hope you've enjoyed this latest episode.
Speaker A:And if you want to hear more episodes of Women Road warriors or learn more about our show, be sure to check out womenroadwarriors.com and please follow us on social media.
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Speaker A:You've been listening to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
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