Break Free from Toxic Love with Mariya Graestone
Have you ever met someone you thought was the perfect match, love, and soul mate but ended up discovering the person is a real dud? More people than you think seek out people who are not right for them and subconsciously choose difficult, dysfunctional, or toxic relationships. Our brains are wired to maintain the status quo even when something may not be good for us depending on our upbringing. Maybe we are blinded by the dance of love. That push and pull leads us down a deep rabbit hole.
Women frequently find themselves ensnared in relationships that ultimately prove detrimental and toxic, often believing they have encountered their perfect match. The phenomenon of selecting partners who embody dysfunction or toxicity may stem from deep-seated psychological patterns established during formative years. Renowned relationship coach Mariya Graestone details this complex dynamic, guiding women toward a profound understanding of their relationship patterns and the importance of self-love. She is the author of Becoming Secure in Love: From Push to Pull to Peace of Mind. She emphasizes the necessity of establishing healthy boundaries and nurturing inner security, which are paramount to achieving fulfilling connections. Join Shelley Johnson and Kathy Tuccaro as we engage with Mariya’s compelling insights on cultivating healthy relationships and breaking free from the cycles of dysfunction, empowering women on their journey to self-discovery and love.
https://www.facebook.com/mariya.graestone)
https://women-road-warriors.captivate.fm
https://womenroadwarriors.com/
https://www.podpage.com/women-road-warriors/
https://womenspowernetwork.net
#Relationships #Love #ToxicLove #HealthyLove #HealthyRelationships #ToxicRelationships #Women #MariyaGraestone #ShelleyJohnson #ShelleyMJohnson #KathyTuccaro #WomenRoadWarriors
Transcript
This is Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
Speaker A:From the corporate office to the cab of a truck, they're here to inspire and empower women in all professions.
Speaker A:So gear down, sit back and enjoy.
Speaker B:Welcome.
Speaker B:We're an award winning show dinner dedicated to empowering women in every profession through inspiring stories and expert insights.
Speaker B:No topics off limits.
Speaker B:On our show, we power women on the road to success with expert and celebrity interviews and information you need.
Speaker B:I'm Shelley.
Speaker C:And I'm Kathy.
Speaker B:Many of us have been there.
Speaker B:We meet someone we think is the perfect match.
Speaker B:A soulmate.
Speaker B:That person we can spend the rest of our lives with.
Speaker B:But sometimes we end up with a real dud.
Speaker B:We overlook the faults and foibles of the other person with the belief that we can fix that person.
Speaker B:Maybe we're blinded by the dance of love.
Speaker B:That push and pull leads us down a deep rabbit hole.
Speaker B:There's a better way.
Speaker B:Mariah Graystone shows women how.
Speaker B:She's a love and relationship coach who helps women who are ready to break their cycle of difficult relationships.
Speaker B:Mariah helps women love themselves and teaches that relationships do not define us and love is unconditional.
Speaker B:She teaches people to root their security from within, not from another person.
Speaker B:She talks about things like better boundaries and unlocking love.
Speaker B:Since relationships define the course of our lives, both good and bad, we wanted to talk to Mariah so we can empower women.
Speaker B:Welcome, Mariah.
Speaker B:Thank you for being with us.
Speaker D:Thank you so much, Shelly and Kathy.
Speaker D:I'm delighted to be here.
Speaker B:This is so exciting.
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B:I'm so looking forward to your insight.
Speaker B:You know, they say we have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Speaker B:And it seems from my experience, I've kissed a lot of lecherous and manipulative toads who've peed on me when I picked them up.
Speaker B:I'm sorry.
Speaker B:That's hilarious.
Speaker C:And it's interesting that you say that because there's this really big frog statue in Redondo beach and I have a picture of me kissing the frog.
Speaker C:At the next picture, like I made a quote about, yeah, here's me kiss, kissing a frog, waiting for my prince.
Speaker C:And then the next day I put the same picture, but now I'm kind of holding my head and I'm like, here's me still waiting, still an ugly toad.
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:How do we get it wrong?
Speaker B:How is it that we end up with some ugly toad that pees on us?
Speaker D:Oh, my.
Speaker D:Well, I will say that, you know, people are imperfect and sometimes we Just stumble across a dud now and then.
Speaker D:But my focus is more when it's kind of a pattern.
Speaker D:And when we find ourselves with duds consistently, that's just a sign that, you know, the human brain likes to recreate our formative dynamics.
Speaker D:And relationships are just a really powerful mirror for how we're loving ourselves.
Speaker B:How do we get stuck in that rut?
Speaker D:It's very human nature.
Speaker D:Whatever our imprinting conveyed to us is what love looks like.
Speaker D:That's what our subconscious will then seek out to recreate through our romantic relationships.
Speaker D:Because, you know, being human is just so delightful.
Speaker B:Okay, so is it rooted in our childhood?
Speaker D:Oh, you know, like most things, yes.
Speaker B:Lovely.
Speaker B:So if we had a really toxic childhood, we're going to seek out toxic relationships.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker D:Fortunately, though, like many human impulses that are problematic, we do have the option to kind of override them and learn how to choose in alignment with our values and goals instead of, you know, operating on autopilot.
Speaker C:It's interesting that you say that.
Speaker C:Oh, sorry, Shelly.
Speaker B:No, that's fine.
Speaker C:It's because, you know, when I.
Speaker C:I grew up with an extremely volatile stepfather, and I always swore I would never, ever be with one with a guy like that.
Speaker C:And to the point where I screamed, you know, I was very picky about who, who I was, I was dating.
Speaker C:I didn't date very much just for that reason.
Speaker C:And it turns out the very guy I married was exactly like him, exactly to the T.
Speaker C:And when I realized that, I instantly file for divorce.
Speaker C:I'm like, nope, I'm not reliving this thing.
Speaker C:No way.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:It's remarkable how skilled our subconscious mind is at picking up on things in people from micro expressions, pheromones, just manners of carrying themselves, communication style.
Speaker D:And it just knows how to find the person who will help us recreate those formative dynamics, even when consciously we're so sure we're picking someone different.
Speaker B:So how do we override our subconscious?
Speaker B:I mean, that's, it's like it's working against us.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:And that is the million dollar question.
Speaker D:It's a process.
Speaker D:It's a healing, a healing journey of, you know, letting our relationship serve as a mirror to see what, what comes up, what gets triggered.
Speaker D:And that helps us start to get some clarity on these patterns.
Speaker D:And then, honestly, coaching is a great second mirror.
Speaker D:You know, we can't see the back of our head without two mirrors.
Speaker D:And a relationship can serve as a really powerful mirror.
Speaker D:And coaching can help serve as that secondary mirror to start to bring some clarity to what's actually going on so we can start to see the forest through the trees and find a path out.
Speaker B:It really is the forest through the trees when you think about it.
Speaker B:And people don't really see what's happening until they're knee deep in alligators or whatever else.
Speaker B:And when you talk about a mirror.
Speaker B:So it's a matter of what?
Speaker B:Seeing that that relationship's a reflection on what's going on in our subconscious.
Speaker B:Is that essentially it or.
Speaker D:Yep, basically.
Speaker D:As an example for myself, my father was not abusive, but, you know, he tried to love me the best he could.
Speaker D:And as a result, long story short, I ended up with a picture in my mind that love is trying to earn.
Speaker D:Like, the picture of love is me trying to earn love, not actually having it.
Speaker D:So I'm attracted to men who let me chase them and give me that experience of having to kind of prove myself or feel like I'm earning the love.
Speaker D:And simultaneously, I end up rejecting men who are willing to offer love freely because that doesn't meet my blueprint.
Speaker D:So I have had to do a lot of inner work.
Speaker D:It's been a journey and learning how to rewire what love is.
Speaker B:I've certainly encountered that, the chase me, chase me thing, these high school games, like, does he love me?
Speaker B:He didn't call.
Speaker B:Why isn't he not calling?
Speaker B:What's going on?
Speaker B:This power trip that some people play?
Speaker D:Yep, absolutely.
Speaker D:And it was a really big eye opener for me one day when I realized that the person who I was chasing, I imagined them truly seeing me, like, looking deeply into my eyes and listening and asking and wanting to really see me.
Speaker D:And in that most realistic visioning that I had ever done, you know, I had fantasized before, but I really tried to envision this thing I thought I was longing for.
Speaker D:And in that vision, I recoiled.
Speaker D:I was terrified of it.
Speaker D:And I realized that I have encountered dozens of men in the course of my life that have been willing to show up and be there and offer love.
Speaker D:And I was never attracted to any of them.
Speaker C:I was thinking the same thing after I got.
Speaker C:I made that initial mental association with my first husband and my step and my stepfather.
Speaker C:I would have been fine, but I started drinking heavily.
Speaker C:And then my decision making went from bad to worse.
Speaker C:And it took me to go to therapy at the age of 40 when I had to actually ask the counselor what the word boundaries meant and what codependency meant.
Speaker C:It took that, and it took me to unlearn all my traditional brainwashing, all my Thinking patterns, everything.
Speaker C:I had to reshape and redefine who I was and relearn what.
Speaker C:Who Kathy was, you know, at the age of 40.
Speaker C:Well, once I did that, then I was able to recognize the pattern.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker C:And it was only then that I was able to change what it was that, that I.
Speaker C:If there was an attraction towards a man that, you know, what was attracting me, and then I could actually question my decisions, question my own thinking as to what is it about this person that is attracting, attracting me.
Speaker C:And I really found that that made a huge difference in my mate.
Speaker D:Like, I, I.
Speaker D:My next.
Speaker C:My next husband was an absolute joy.
Speaker C:Like, he's just 100amazing.
Speaker C:But it took for me to recognize that there is a pattern, and I had to do the hard and dirty work of figuring out what it was.
Speaker C:And, and it was painful and it was ugly.
Speaker C:It was not fun at all.
Speaker C:It took me a long time.
Speaker C:There's a lot of layers going on in there.
Speaker C:You just can't just pick at the top one.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker D:The just like pulling weeds.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:You got to get the root.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker C:And I had to go really deep in order to change my whole thinking.
Speaker C:And even now, like my husband, my second husband, we split up.
Speaker C:It's been six years.
Speaker C:And in the dating process, I am making sure of who I am allowing in my space is for the right reasons.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker D:Good.
Speaker B:So, Mariah, is that some of the steps that women need to take a step back and really analyze things and write down maybe what they consider to be an ideal mate and what they expect?
Speaker D:I think that's part of it.
Speaker D:And that can be some of the more surface level work, which is important as well.
Speaker D:But a lot of the deeper level work involves things like reparenting and embodiment.
Speaker D:We have to completely reconfigure the relationship we have with ourselves to start, because that's the foundation of all of our relationships with others.
Speaker D:Mm.
Speaker D:And getting in touch with our inner child, our young wounded self who lives on in us, is a really important first step.
Speaker D:Um, I usually encourage people to actually start having conversations with her.
Speaker D:And I always assure people it doesn't make you schizophrenic.
Speaker D:It feels weird and silly at first, but it has this wonderful catharsis.
Speaker D:Your inner child finally starts to get to be heard, and meanwhile, it starts to sort of strengthen your inner mama bear, too.
Speaker D:And so you're simultaneously nurturing and maturing yourself.
Speaker D:And this is a really foundational part of the healing journey.
Speaker B:How do you have a conversation with your inner child?
Speaker D:You appear schizophrenic and you say, hey there, how are you doing?
Speaker D:Oh, you know, I don't know, I'm kind of scared.
Speaker D:I'm feeling a little bit lonely and worried about this or that and it's like, oh, okay, well, that's really understandable.
Speaker D:It's, you know, that makes sense that you would feel that way and you just have a back and forth and ask your inner child how she's feeling and offer her some validation and literally give yourself a hug.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:You know, I've talked to myself for years, since I was a kid.
Speaker B:I don't always listen to my own advice though.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker D:It's a different kind of conversation because you end up sort of, you know, a back and forth role play switching sides a little bit.
Speaker D:Whereas the kind of day to day talking to yourself, it's more just like thinking out loud.
Speaker A:Stay tuned for more of Women Road warriors coming up.
Speaker E:Dean Michael, the tax doctor here.
Speaker E:I have one question for you.
Speaker E:Do you want to stop worrying about the irs?
Speaker E:If the answer is yes, then look no further.
Speaker E:I've been around for years.
Speaker E:I've helped countless people across the country and my success rate speaks for itself.
Speaker E:So now you know where to find good, honest help with your tax problems.
Speaker E:What are you waiting for?
Speaker E: -: Speaker B:Industry Movement Trucking Moves America Forward is telling the story of the industry.
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Speaker A:Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
Speaker B:If you're enjoying this informative episode of Women Road Warriors, I wanted to mention Kathy and I explore all kinds of topics that will power you on the road to success.
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Speaker B:We want to help as many women as possible.
Speaker B:Relationships are a powerful mirror about how we're loving ourselves.
Speaker B:That means both bad and good relationships.
Speaker B:Our early imprinting on what love looks like is what our subconscious seeks out to recreate those formative dynamics throughout our lives.
Speaker B:If it's bad, it doesn't have to stay that way.
Speaker B:As a relationship coach, Mariah Graystone helps women see the forest through the trees and find a path out of a toxic relationship.
Speaker B:It's a matter of women reconfiguring their relationships with themselves.
Speaker B:She teaches them how to find and nurture healthy relationships.
Speaker B:Mariah helps them get clarity on bad patterns.
Speaker B:She talks about things like better boundaries and unlocking love and how women can root their security from within.
Speaker B:It's a journey that requires inner work.
Speaker B:Mariah is a wonderful guide on this journey.
Speaker B:She's a highly sought after love coach that helps people break free from difficult relationships.
Speaker B:Mariah so I'm trying to think for listeners to get the best grasp of what you're talking about.
Speaker B:How do they define a toxic relationship?
Speaker B:Because I'm sure it's different for everyone and there are different levels of toxic relationships.
Speaker B:How do they know they're in one and how do they see that mirror is cracked?
Speaker D:I would say that if you don't know that you're in a toxic relationship, now's not the time to address it because it kind of has to get painful enough for you to be motivated to address it, for the addressing it to be effective.
Speaker D:And unfortunately, this is a little bit of a sidebar, but we can do some harm to our friends in some cases where we try to convince them that they're in a toxic relationship and they don't see it because we just end up alienating them and often driving them closer to the toxic person.
Speaker D:I found when I was in a dysfunctional relationship, I don't really like the word toxic, but I was in a difficult relationship and some friends at the time were seeing some red flags that I wasn't quite seeing and they were trying to tell me things that I would also see out, you know, on social media and whatnot.
Speaker D:And there's this common theme out there that you know is like, know your worth, ditch the loser.
Speaker D:Get with someone who deserves your love.
Speaker D:And while this isn't exactly wrong, the approach there can be problematic on a few different levels.
Speaker D:Know your worth can come across like you're doing it wrong.
Speaker D:Like if you're already feeling unworthy and then having somebody tell you that you're not even loving yourself.
Speaker D:Right.
Speaker D:That can kind of deepen the problem.
Speaker D:And then the ditch the loser aspect also then starts to plant seeds of doubt in yourself because your heart is telling you that you love this person and other people are telling you that you shouldn't.
Speaker D:And so that's sowing seeds of doubt rather than self trust.
Speaker D:And then get with someone who deserves your love also reinforces this fear that under certain circumstances, we night might not be deserving of love.
Speaker D:So my message that I am a huge advocate for is we don't have to sacrifice our compassion in order to become empowered.
Speaker D:If we empower our compassion, it will become big enough for ourselves as well as others.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker B:You know, there's a lot of women who end up being stuck in relationships and they may recognize that it's dysfunctional, but they may have children and their financial resources, they stay.
Speaker B:It's the security.
Speaker B:It's better than being, say, on the street.
Speaker B:They rationalize it in their minds or it may even be a case of like Stockholm syndrome.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And they can't break away, even though deep down they know this is not good.
Speaker D:In, in cases where it seems to borderline Stockholm syndrome, I would recommend therapy.
Speaker D:In cases where you're really truly wanting to get out, but believing that you have to stay for the children and, or believing that the finances are the biggest hindrance, I would say to that, that.
Speaker D:Well, actually I had a friend who was in that situation for years.
Speaker D:I watched her complain and I would, you know, support her and say, yep, I know you're right, it's.
Speaker D:It's awful.
Speaker D:You have some options.
Speaker D:I understand why you're turning them down, but.
Speaker D:And I would just listen to her and support her.
Speaker D:And I a few times told her that when it gets painful enough, she'll find a way.
Speaker D:And sure enough, it did.
Speaker D:There was actually a little bit of a catalyst involved.
Speaker D:Her father passed away and that really helped her have appreciation for the impermanence of life.
Speaker D:And she decided that she was done and the universe brought resources to her.
Speaker D:One of her neighbors is leaving for a year and invited her to pet sit.
Speaker D:And so now she gets to live in a separate space right across the street.
Speaker D:So the child can very easily go between the homes and it's not costing her anything extra.
Speaker D:And in the meantime, she is able to start pursuing her dreams that she has been just not had the resources, like internal resources to devote to.
Speaker D:And now that she has some more space from the difficult relationship, she's feeling more invigorated and feels like the world is opening up for her.
Speaker D:And sometimes it's not a sexy message, but sometimes we just have to wait until it gets painful enough.
Speaker D:And that's with a caveat of saying, as long as you're not in actual physical harm, sure.
Speaker B:She's actually discovering herself without that person.
Speaker B:Because in.
Speaker B:In these kind of relationships, you lose yourself.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:But there's signs and symptoms of relationships that aren't healthy.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And can you just maybe name a few for people that don't really maybe.
Speaker D:Aren'T aware of what they should be.
Speaker C:Kind of watching out?
Speaker D:For?
Speaker D:Sure.
Speaker D:Well, there are some universal things that I could talk about in terms of, you know, feeling like you're losing yourself or feeling isolated from your friends, or feeling like you're never really able to pursue your dreams or.
Speaker D:John Gottman has the four horsemen of the relational apocalypse.
Speaker D:I know one of them is contempt, another is stonewalling.
Speaker D:I don't recall the other two, but those are also some good indications of problems in the relationship.
Speaker D:But for me, what I think is really helpful and a little bit more easy to identify and make it more personal is write out a list of your core values and grand goals.
Speaker D:And by that I mean values can be things like connection, integrity, etc.
Speaker D:And I think if you come up with about, there's a lot of them and we all resonate with most of them.
Speaker D:But if you can kind of pick your top five, this can help with like a compass heading and then your goals.
Speaker D:We might have a lot of means goals, but our end goals usually are in terms of growth experiences and contributions.
Speaker D:What ways we want to grow in life, what experiences we want to have, the ways that we want to contribute to the world or even just our family or community.
Speaker D:Um, so when you have some clarity on your values and goals, you can start to notice when you're out of alignment with those.
Speaker D:And to bring the practice even deeper, when you develop a relationship with your body, and I don't just mean body image, but like bringing your awareness into your body and feeling the sensations in your body and recognizing what feels like alignment with your truth, what feels good versus anxious.
Speaker D:And then you can start to notice when you feel out of alignment and when you have some clarity on those things, you can start to develop instead of kind of what you're talking about with external red flags, you can start to notice your internal red Flags.
Speaker D:And for me a big one is defensiveness.
Speaker D:Like it's one thing to explain yourself, especially to someone new.
Speaker D:Oh right, you don't know me.
Speaker D:Sorry that you need some more context.
Speaker D:Let me explain that better.
Speaker D:But when I find myself defending like my choices or my meaning or my goodness, that's a red flag for me.
Speaker D:It's not something that comes up in all of my interactions.
Speaker D:There are plenty of relationships I have, friendships, people in my life where I don't feel like I need to defend myself.
Speaker D:Those are safe relationships in connections where that behavior is coming out of me.
Speaker D:That's how I know that connection is not aligned for me.
Speaker D:So all of that to say that when you're in a relationship, if you are feeling anxious, if you're finding yourself defending yourself.
Speaker D:Some other internal red flags for me are a sense of urgency or fantasy.
Speaker D:All of these types of things can help you notice when you're out of alignment.
Speaker D:And any relationship where either person is out of alignment is doomed to fail.
Speaker B:You need to be very aware of all of these things.
Speaker B:And I think a lot of people do go into autopilot and they aren't necessarily aware of how they're truly feeling.
Speaker B:Also when they first meet someone, they get caught up in that infatuation period where hormones are raging and that sort of thing.
Speaker B:Gee, then that's never a good barometer or navigation.
Speaker B:That's a bad gps.
Speaker D:At a minimum, learning to notice when you're dysregulated and knowing that when you're dysregulated you can't really trust yourself, that's a great start.
Speaker B:Yeah, I think that if people aren't aware, they can be drawn like a moth to a flame to the same type of person and they don't realize it and they wonder, gee, why didn't this guy or this woman work out what, what is going on?
Speaker D:Yep, it's honestly, I think the most foundational, beneficial practice for anyone in any sort of personal development is an awareness practice.
Speaker D:And there's a secondary element that is required in an awareness practice and that's non judgment.
Speaker D:When we start to become increasingly aware of ourselves, we're going to start to notice a lot more dumb things that we're doing.
Speaker D:And it's.
Speaker D:There's going to be an inclination to judge ourselves for that.
Speaker D:And judgment has a really powerful knack for actually keeping those patterns in place.
Speaker D:And so learning that sort of self compassion is a really important part of the practice as well.
Speaker D:And yeah, just strengthening our awareness about what we're doing.
Speaker D:And why we're doing it and how it's showing up without judgment.
Speaker D:It has a really magically transformative effect in our lives.
Speaker A:Stay tuned for more of Women Road warriors coming up.
Speaker E:Dean Michael, the tax doctor here.
Speaker E:I have one question for you.
Speaker E:Do you want to stop worrying about the irs?
Speaker E:If the answer is yes, then look no further.
Speaker E:I've been around for years, I've helped countless people across the country, and my success rate speaks for itself.
Speaker E:So now you know where to find good, honest help with your tax problems.
Speaker E:What are you waiting for?
Speaker E: -: Speaker B:Industry Movement Trucking Moves America Forward is telling the story of the industry.
Speaker B:Our safety champions, the Women of trucking, independent contractors, the Next generation of truckers, and more help us promote the best of our industry.
Speaker B:Share your story and what you love about trucking.
Speaker B:Share images of a moment you're proud of and join us on social media.
Speaker B:Learn more@truckingmovesamerica.com.
Speaker A:Welcome welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.
Speaker B:It's important to know your self worth when you're in a relationship.
Speaker B:Sometimes it's hard to do when we give ourselves mixed messages and rationalizations.
Speaker B:The problem is too, when you have friends telling you to ditch the loser, it can actually encourage self doubt depending on our own self worth.
Speaker B:Getting with someone who deserves our love often triggers feelings that we're not worthy, so we choose people who aren't good for us.
Speaker B:There are many reasons why people stay in a difficult relationship or choose partners like that.
Speaker B:Our self worth is something that we need to attain and protect when we aren't in a healthy relationship.
Speaker B:We need to be compassionate with ourselves as we do a deep dive into why these are some of the things Mariah Graystone talks about.
Speaker B:She's a love and relationship coach who helps women who are ready to break their cycle of difficult relationships.
Speaker B:One of the books she's written says it all about the rebirth that she offers with the title Becoming Secure in From Push to Pull to Peace of Mind.
Speaker B:Mariah teaches women how to love themselves and that relationships do not define us and love is unconditional.
Speaker B:She teaches women to root their security from within, not from another person.
Speaker B:She also talks about things like having better boundaries and unlocking love and how to recognize dysfunctional relationships.
Speaker B:Mariah recommends to write out a list of our core values and grand goals.
Speaker B:Pick the top five to give us a compass heading for direction.
Speaker B:When we have clarity on our values and goals, we'll start to notice.
Speaker B:When we're out of alignment with the people we choose to have in our lives, we'll begin to notice our internal red flags.
Speaker B:These would include things like anxiety or defensiveness, which would indicate maybe it's not a safe relationship.
Speaker B:That's part of a vital awareness practice that also includes self compassion without judgment.
Speaker B:These are just some of the valuable insights Mariah has been sharing with us.
Speaker B:Mariah, so you're teaching women courage and trusting their intuition and really getting to know themselves, which perhaps they didn't have the opportunity to do as a child.
Speaker B:Women, I think more so are taught to nurture and to care for.
Speaker B:And we can take that over the top with, oh gosh, this guy's broken or this woman's broken, I gotta fix this.
Speaker B:And that's really where we run astray, right?
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker D:In a lot of these instances, these women were brought up, and men too.
Speaker D:There's a lot of formative dynamics that led the child to believe that they were responsible for their caregivers.
Speaker D:Stability.
Speaker D:Happiness is almost too strong.
Speaker D:They just felt responsible for their caregivers to be okay so that they could be okay.
Speaker D:And that's where that rescuer fixer pattern comes out.
Speaker D:And then we seek out people who we can rescue so that it completes that picture that our subconscious is seeking to recreate.
Speaker B:It's exhausting to do that sort of thing.
Speaker B:And it really throws somebody off track of who they're supposed to be in the world.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker D:And even though it's exhausting, funny thing about the human brain is that it is, it is wired to maintain the status quo.
Speaker D:Because if that path didn't have a saber toothed tiger on it yesterday, even though it was full of brambles, it didn't kill us.
Speaker D:So why try a new one that might kill us?
Speaker D:Let's just stick with the one that didn't kill us.
Speaker D:That's kind of the evolutionary reasoning behind it, but essentially how we grew up.
Speaker D:If that goddess, if it, if we didn't die in childhood, whatever happened, you know, to get us to adulthood, the very primal part of the brain is like, let's just keep doing that.
Speaker D:And a lot of people end up with a nervous system that is calibrated on sort of high activity.
Speaker D:And so even though it's kind of exhausting, it's what's comfortable to the nervous system, even though it's not overall comfortable or safe or joyful and the brain thinks like it prioritizes the an uncomfortable familiarity over the discomfort of something new.
Speaker D:So even though it's really exhausting to always be saving people, it's really uncomfortable to break through that and do things differently.
Speaker B:You get some very excellent insights here.
Speaker B:It's very empowering for women.
Speaker B:You've got two books actually that are available on Amazon.
Speaker B:One's Becoming Secure in Love From Push and Pull to Peace of Mind.
Speaker B:And you also have a self guided workbook called the Path to Interdependence.
Speaker B:I love this.
Speaker B:So people can pick this up and they can read it.
Speaker B:And you also have information available on your website.
Speaker B:It looks like you do retreats and workshops.
Speaker B:Could you touch on some of this?
Speaker B:I'm seeing some really powerful topics.
Speaker B:Better Boundaries Unlocking Love, Peaceful Power Practice and of course self love, which I think a lot of us are guilty, especially women.
Speaker B:We don't love ourselves enough.
Speaker D:Nope.
Speaker D:If I could, I would just run around telling everybody that the solution is self love, but it doesn't really land as the problem for people.
Speaker D:So this is why I actually focus on relationships.
Speaker D:The truth is it's.
Speaker D:It's all like so many of our problems in life get resolved when we fix the relationship with ourself.
Speaker D:But a lot of people feel the pain point in their relationships with others.
Speaker D:So that's why I frame a lot of my offerings around addressing those issues.
Speaker D:But I actually talk very little about it.
Speaker D:And I have been focused a lot on boundaries because that seems to really be speaking to people and because it's.
Speaker D:I, I don't know why, but there's not much actually helpful information out there about how to develop healthy boundaries.
Speaker D:There's a lot of talk out there about kind of what they look like, but not about how to get from point A to point B.
Speaker B:It's very true.
Speaker B:And it's a catch all term.
Speaker B:It's just kind of a popular term, you know, poor boundaries.
Speaker B:You know, people are like, what does that mean?
Speaker B:Do I put up an electric fence?
Speaker B:What the heck are you talking about?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker D:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker D:And the funny thing you say about electric fence.
Speaker D:I the, the terms that I use to define what most people's boundaries look like are flimsy fences and spiked walls.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker D:There are people that say, oh, I don't have boundaries, or that person doesn't have boundaries.
Speaker D:But in reality we all do have boundaries.
Speaker D:They just look different.
Speaker D:Our boundaries are essentially the limits of our precious resources.
Speaker D:And if we have flimsy fences.
Speaker D:That's when people say, oh, you let people walk all over you.
Speaker D:Or you might feel like you're being used a lot, or you say yes too often, or you're really uncomfortable saying no.
Speaker D:And then on the flip side, there's these spiked walls where no sounds like f you and.
Speaker D:Or you're just completely inaccessible.
Speaker D:And part of the reason that those are the two common options is that most people think that those are the only two options.
Speaker D:And so if you're, you know, afraid to hurt people, you're gonna have flimsy fences until you get walked over enough that you, like, spring the spiked walls up and you're like, ah, that's enough.
Speaker D:Go away.
Speaker D:Leave me alone.
Speaker D:But you've been trying to avoid that the whole time because you thought that those were the only two options.
Speaker D:You thought that saying no was automatically gonna be hurtful.
Speaker D:And then the people who have the spiked walls, like, as a default, they do that because they think the only alternative is never saying no.
Speaker D:There is an alternative.
Speaker D:The middle way, I call selective gates.
Speaker D:And this is where you can learn to say no without disconnecting.
Speaker D:You can follow a no with a yes.
Speaker D:You can draw your boundaries around behaviors instead of people.
Speaker D:And there are so many beautiful ways to let boundaries actually deepen intimacy and connection in your relationships.
Speaker D:And it's all an outcome of this same healing work that roots our security within ourselves and builds a strong foundation in ourselves of self, love and empowering our compassion.
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker B:So you can actually walk people through the steps.
Speaker B:Because if somebody is not used to putting up boundaries, healthy boundaries, they have no clue on how to do it.
Speaker D:No clue.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker D:I actually offer a six.
Speaker D:I'd say six to eight weeks, because as it turns out, sometimes we end up having to skip a week or two.
Speaker D:But it's a six session, one on one course, journey supported program that I call Better Boundaries.
Speaker B:I love this.
Speaker B:Now, do you work with people remotely?
Speaker B:Can they do this via Zoom or something like that?
Speaker D:Yep, that's that preference.
Speaker B:Okay, excellent.
Speaker B:You could be anywhere in the country, anywhere in the world.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:And still partake of your vast knowledge, which is you're helping a lot of women.
Speaker B:This is terrific.
Speaker D:Thank you.
Speaker C:Yep.
Speaker D:And then for a deeper dive, I have a Unlocking Love course.
Speaker D:It's a group program, and that one is 12 weeks.
Speaker D:And we talk a lot about the same stuff.
Speaker D:We just break it down even further.
Speaker B:So these are actually some courses people could take.
Speaker B:Maybe start with the better boundaries, then go to unlocking Love to Really go through the process.
Speaker B:Because self love is a process, isn't it?
Speaker D:Yes, indeed it is.
Speaker C:It's a journey.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:It doesn't happen overnight.
Speaker C:It doesn't change overnight.
Speaker C:There's a lot of layers, like I was saying earlier to uncovering who you really are, you know, And I think what you're doing is absolutely phenomenal because there's so many ladies out there who, who, who are looking for that assistance because it's not always easy to do it on your own, you know?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker D:Nope.
Speaker C:And thank you for, for everything that you're doing.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker D:And I want to give a thank you also to anyone listening for whatever ways that you're showing up for yourself.
Speaker D:My mission is to empower compassion in as many souls as I can.
Speaker D:I want there to be more love in the world.
Speaker D:And every instance of showing up for yourself brings more love into the world.
Speaker B:Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Speaker B:There is so much division and anger and hatred and violence.
Speaker B:Love is the antithesis of that.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker D:I do like to say love is unconditional.
Speaker D:Relationships are not.
Speaker D:That's what boundaries are for.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:I love this.
Speaker B:I saw that on your website.
Speaker B:Those are words to live by.
Speaker D:Agreed.
Speaker D:I think one of the traps we fall into a lot is forgetting that love and relationship is not the same thing.
Speaker D:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker D:It's something that we do.
Speaker D:But you can love someone and leave them simultaneously.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Love is a verb.
Speaker B:You're right.
Speaker B:And yes, you can still love somebody but leave them because you have to love yourself too.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker B:That's a tough one to do.
Speaker B:You know, you really do feel like you're on a teeter totter.
Speaker B:And a lot of times I think women have a hard time breaking away and showing up for themselves.
Speaker D:Absolutely, I did.
Speaker D:That difficult relationship I was in lasted seven years.
Speaker D:And the last year of it, I painstakingly, single handedly, consciously uncoupled us because I started to realize that it was never going to be functional.
Speaker D:It took me a long time to throw everything and the kitchen sink at it so that I felt like I had given it everything I could.
Speaker D:And once I reached that point, I was like, okay, it's, it's not going to work.
Speaker D:And one of the things that I really had to overcome was some shame about feeling like I was weak, that I couldn't make it work.
Speaker D:And what I eventually had to do is just accept the fact that I am a limited human and that this had brought me up to my limits and that if I couldn't love myself in it, I couldn't really love him either.
Speaker D:And the most loving thing I could do was really accept him for who he was and where he was at and what he was capable of and fully accept me and where I was at and what I was capable of.
Speaker D:And when I looked at that, I saw that a healthy relationship was never gonna be possible.
Speaker B:That's powerful.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I think a lot of people are held back, too, because they don't want to view themselves as failures, and they also don't want the loss.
Speaker B:I mean, even if you get rid of a relationship that's bad for you, there's still going to be that grieving that loss.
Speaker D:Yep.
Speaker D:And then I'm sure someone else will relate to me on this, too.
Speaker D:There's also the fear of, oh, God, now I have to go back and start over, and my sympathies to anyone in the dating pool.
Speaker D:It is.
Speaker D:It is challenging.
Speaker D:I will say one of the nice things about being more mature is, you know, it takes a couple decades to start to notice our patterns.
Speaker D:I know that a lot of women feel a little bit of shame for saying, oh, I'm.
Speaker D:I'm in my 40s, I'm in my 50s, and it took me this long to realize.
Speaker D:And honestly, you.
Speaker D:You couldn't see it when you were younger because it had only happened once or twice.
Speaker D:And it sometimes has to happen three, four, or five times before we say, okay, this is a pattern.
Speaker D:Now I see it.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker B:You have to have some sage and wisdom.
Speaker D:Exactly.
Speaker B:You know, that's why we have parents growing up.
Speaker B:And hopefully they are.
Speaker B:They do healthy parenting, but they have some wisdom.
Speaker B:Hopefully we don't have wisdom as children, even though we think we do.
Speaker D:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:And teenage adolescence, it's amazing how we think we know everything once those hormones start raging so much.
Speaker B:I remember thinking, wow, my parents knew nothing about, you know, the birds and the bees.
Speaker B:Heck, how did I get here?
Speaker B:Yeah, they did.
Speaker B:But teenagers think that they've reinvented the world.
Speaker D:Well.
Speaker D:And then the fun thing is, there's a lot of that.
Speaker D:Whatever mechanisms we develop in our grand wisdom in adolescence, we tend to keep with us and continue to believe in the soundness of them without ever stopping to reassess the.
Speaker D:The tools and the beliefs and the sort of frameworks that we carry into our lives.
Speaker B:Very true.
Speaker D:So this is all very much a.
Speaker D:You know, we, we talked earlier about how it's a journey, this developing self love and this healing process.
Speaker D:And I also like to say that it's.
Speaker D:It's a It's a lifestyle change.
Speaker D:The same way they talk about, you know, like the sustainable diets aren't like fad diets.
Speaker D:They're not temporary things.
Speaker D:You have to completely change, you know, make it a part of your lifestyle to healthy living.
Speaker D:And in the same way, we have to start to develop lying like lifelong habits to put into place to support our self love and our self care and our.
Speaker C:Isn't that the truth?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker C:Conscious work, conscious efforts.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Because we tend to slip into old habits real fast.
Speaker C:I'm speaking from personal experience.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:I have to consciously make that effort to, to keep my yoga, to keep my time, the Kathy time that's so valuable to me because it's so easy for, for me to make 10,000 excuses of other things that I had I have to do.
Speaker C:But I'm like, nope, you just get up and you get out there, girl, you first.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker D:And this is actually a counterpart to re parenting.
Speaker D:Well, it's another aspect of re parenting.
Speaker D:So on the one hand it takes a lot of self validation, but on the other hand it also takes a lot of boundaries with ourselves.
Speaker D:Like a lot of times we let our inner child have all of the candy instead of say, okay, I hear you.
Speaker D:I understand that you want more candy and I understand that's a little disappointing.
Speaker D:You can't have all the candy, but we're not going to eat all the candy.
Speaker B:Very well said.
Speaker B:Mariah, you also have something about Peaceful Power Practice that you teach women as well.
Speaker B:And then of course, your self love retreats and workshops.
Speaker B:This is really a wonderful support system for women so they can start at the beginning and work their way through, which really gives them a healthy life going forward.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker D:And the Peaceful Power Practice is actually a virtual ashram where you.
Speaker D:There's daily posts for journal prompts and you just comment your thoughts on it.
Speaker D:There's not really interaction, but then there's monthly group coaching calls.
Speaker D:And it's just a little anchor to keep you checking in with yourself, keep you aware of your progress and help build those healthy habits and support those healthy habits on an ongoing basis.
Speaker D:And it was inspired by what had evolved into my own practice that was really supporting me.
Speaker D:And I started calling it my Peaceful Power Practice.
Speaker D:And really there's kind of five main elements.
Speaker D:It's study, self reflection, embodiment interactions and support.
Speaker D:Journaling is a big aspect of that.
Speaker D:Making sure that you've got people in your life who you trust, who you feel safe with, Sage guides as well, and deepening that connection with your body.
Speaker D:And using the opportunities of your interactions with other people and the triggers that come up and paying attention to what those are trying to present to you.
Speaker D:All of that can really become a lifestyle habit to help perpetuate and support your ongoing growth.
Speaker B:That's empowering.
Speaker B:Where do women find you?
Speaker D:My website is love coach mariah.com and my name is spelled M A R I Y A and I also am currently posting a lot on my personal Facebook.
Speaker D:So Mariah Graystone Again, M A R I Y A and it's G R A E S T O N E.
Speaker D:I'm open to any sort of connections and any sort of work that we do together will always start with a free call to make sure that it's a good mutual fit.
Speaker D:And I'm flexible about, you know, finding something that works for both of us.
Speaker B:So this is wonderful.
Speaker B:And people can pick up your book on Amazon.
Speaker B:You have two of them becoming secure in love from push and pull to peace of mind as well as your self guided workbook which is the past to interdependence.
Speaker B:That's excellent Mariah.
Speaker B:I love your insights.
Speaker B:You are going to empower so many women down the road.
Speaker D:Thank you.
Speaker D:I hope so.
Speaker B:That's what it's about and that's what we need.
Speaker B:Being champions for ourselves and having champions in our own lives too.
Speaker D:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Speaker C:No, thank you so much.
Speaker C:Oh my God.
Speaker C:So many ladies are going to get benefit from this.
Speaker D:I sure hope so.
Speaker B:Yes.
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Speaker A:You've been listening to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Takaro.
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